Dec. 16, 2024 -- Does your family make you sick at the holidays? We’re not just talking about catching a bug. It’s the emotional toll, which can unwrap physical and mental ailments.
That holiday rollercoaster can send us from a Merry Christmas to a Blue Christmas to get-me-out-of-here before I go full Grinch on someone.
It’s OK – these are common reactions in an emotional time.
“You’re trying to make people feel loved, and you’re trying not to express hostility or anger, and you’re also doing things like giving gifts and preparing food,” says Debra Umberson, PhD, a sociology professor at the University of Texas at Austin.
“All these things require a lot of emotional energy and a lot of emotion work that also takes a mental and physical health toll on you,” she says.
Knowing this ahead of a family visit can help you cope. It also helps to acknowledge the baggage everyone – including you – brings to a gathering, the experts say.
Stress can weaken your immune system, which makes crowded gatherings a health threat. And long-simmering family tension can flare into emotional pain. Family ties can be among our deepest relationships, so they can influence our health more than other social ties.
“When you have a lot of contact or a lot of interaction, then that kind of relationship is going to matter in lots of ways – good, bad, mental health, physical health,” says Rin Reczek, PhD, professor of sociology at Ohio State University.
Common Pitfalls in the Holiday Season
We humans are hardwired to spend time with others.
“There are all kinds of things about social connection that benefit your health, and some of those happen whether it’s a good relationship or not,” says Umberson, who is director of the Center on Aging and Population Sciences at UT Austin. “The better the relationship is, the more benefits you get, but just being connected is fundamentally important to human health and well-being.”
Social connections can help reduce your risk of high blood pressure, infectious diseases, and depression. People who are isolated or lonely have higher risks of heart disease, heart failure, strokes, diabetes, dementia. High-quality relationships provide more support to your health.
Here are some landmines to be aware of this time of year.
You cope using bad habits. Maybe your sister picked a fight about an old grudge, or you can sense your Dad didn’t like your gift. The resulting stress can make you anxious, so you overeat or drink too much to feel better in the moment, says Umberson.
Try this: Next time, ask yourself: What happened just now? Knowing your triggers can help you make healthier choices, says Umberson. For example, if tense conversations upset you, make an exit plan. Go outside for a walk. Or say you don’t feel great and need to lie down.
You regress into old patterns. “Oftentimes, there are these family patterns that we step into and maybe unconsciously start to recreate each time we see family,” says Reczek. The opposite can also happen: You might not act how people expect. “As we age and change as people, and perhaps some others maybe haven’t changed in the same way, or just don’t expect that change, that can cause conflict,” says Reczek.
Try this: Give yourself a break. “Be easy on yourself and recognize this is normal,” says Umberson. “You’re around a lot of people you’re not normally around, and especially if it’s your parents and your children, those triggers are deep.” If someone wants to stoke a debate, about, say, political views that have shifted over time? Don’t engage. Say “I don’t want to want to talk about that,” suggests Umberson.
You weaken your immune system. Difficult family relationships can activate stress responses in your body and impair immune function, says Umberson. This isn’t ideal when everyone is crowded into the kitchen, including sneezing nieces.
Try this: You can’t control your family’s behavior, so take steps to boost your immune system. This is another reason to lay off the alcohol and sweets, which can impair immune function, says Umberson. Stick to your regular exercise and sleep routine as much as possible to help your body fight off stressors. Wash your hands frequently to slough away germs. If the people at your holiday celebration don’t make you feel loved, listened to, or understood, text your friends. Limit interactions with people who are critical or demanding and lean on your closest relationships as allies.
“Have a sense of humor about it where you can,” she says. Like if your uncle says something bizarre, commiserate with your partner later about how unbelievable that conversation was. This can help tame stress.
The Upside of Holiday Gatherings
Besides the stress-reducing effects of all those hugs, family can provide other healthy benefits.
Helpful health nudges. The people who have known you forever might notice when something is off, like if you’re drinking more alcohol than usual. No one likes to be called out, but a comment from Mom might actually push you to change your behavior or book that overdue doctor appointment. Research shows that social control of health behavior – when people remind their loved ones to follow healthier habits – can be helpful, says Umberson.
You may sleep better. The wonky mattress at your parents’ house might not make for a restful Christmas Eve, but your folks can support your slumber in other ways. In a study in Sleep Health, people with strong family support were 26% less likely to have sleep problems than those with less family support. One theory is that connectedness and belonging buffer against stress that could otherwise keep you up.
Boosting your overall happiness. If your family relationships are solid, you might end up wishing you spent more time together. In a study from Brazil, people who attended frequent family gatherings were happier and more satisfied with their lives. One reason: Families can provide important emotional, psychological, social, and even financial support, the researchers say.
If frequent family gatherings aren’t pleasant or possible, lean on your friends.
“There are all kinds of families out there,” says Reczek. “You can have your friends as family, chosen family. That's something that is very important to a lot of people. There are lots of ways that we can do family and create family around us.”
The Impact of Your Origin Story
Holiday psychodrama may have deep roots. For example, in a study in the Journal of Family Psychology, positive family relationships starting in childhood predicted adults’ health and happiness at age 38. In older adults, positive relationships between generations were linked to fewer depressive symptoms in a study in Archives of Gerontology and Geriatrics.
On the flipside, adverse childhood experiences such as abuse or living with parents who abused alcohol or drugs can affect your family health into adulthood, according to research published in BMC Public Health.
Even as a grownup, unhealthy family relationships might make you feel rejected or silenced, and “abusive relationships create so much stress that they counterbalance any good effects,” says Umberson.
If that describes your situation, there are options. “One of the weird things about family is that we think we’re supposed to put up with stuff that we would not put up with from anybody else,” says Umberson. “That’s just not the case.”
If you forge ahead with a stressful get-together, create a plan for how you will deal afterward. For example, you might take an extra vacation day to rest at home after a trip or book an extra appointment with your therapist post-event.
Some people cut ties. Reczek’s research suggests that when adult children become estranged from their parents, the health effects are mixed.
That’s one extreme. If your family relationships are solid, Umberson suggests scheduling more “social snacks” or brief planned social interactions throughout the year. Quick calls or visits with family can help everyone feel better when big gatherings occur.
But if your family is toxic, and you need some distance: You don’t have to confront anyone. Just say you’re starting your own tradition next year.
“You might not be able to change what’s happening, but recognizing how you feel and the dynamics that are happening in the family relationships is the first step in deciding what you want to do in that relationship,” says Reczek, author of the book Families We Keep: LGBTQ People and Their Enduring Bonds with Parents.
“For adult children, estrangement is stressful,” says Reczek. “It’s better to have a good relationship with your parent, but if you don’t, then estranging isn’t any worse for your health than staying in that tie.” Some adult children who go no-contact with their parents say it helps their mental well-being.
For mothers, having an adult child stop speaking to them was harmful to their health. “That can be very stigmatizing and painful,” says Reczek.
